Hi
It seems that no one is reading my posts, which makes me sad. I don't even know why I try these days.
I'm having trouble remembering why I'm required to live anymore. I don't think I'll take any drastic actions to solve it, though. I mean look at me. I'm barely fifteen, and April's going to be a busy month for me. I hope the issues inside my own head are straightened out by then...
JEEZ I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
Not my dad. He can just go jump off a building. I'm tired of him. He always asks me why "I don't wanna talk to him" and why "I like talking to mom better". Well,, here's the reason: My mom actually tries to help me, and only talk about how MY problems can be solved. She doesn't just try to relate (by lying about the past), then start rambling on about how atrocious and tragic and horrible HER life has been, and then ask me how I feel she should fix her life. Seriously, All that man talks about is HIMSELF. He's got NO sympathy or feelings for others, NO sensitivity, and ALWAYS manages to change the subject to make the conversation about HIM.
Now how can you talk to a person like that?
In Regards To Myself....
***Zan
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
An Attack Made Of Panic?? What Is This World Coming To?!
Hi
Alright. Well, last night everything was fine. i went to bed after a lovely evening with my lovely friends. Things didn't get bad until after I settled down into my bed.
I kept thinking of my mom who's in Orlando with my sister right now for her cheerleading competition (Gag!)... I don't know what happened, but I started to cry. I was having trouble breathing, and felt extreme tightness in my chest. I thought I was going to die... So, I called my mom, and told her what was going on. I started to hear noises outside the room, and I thought it was my dad being an idiot and creeping around the house. It really freaked me out. I told her this, and she told me she's call him to see how he was.
So she did...
Suddenly, DISASTER struck as my father burst into the room, The Light Blinding Me, and tore the blankets from over my head.
"WHAT THE FUCK, ZAN?!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL MOM, AND TELL HER I WAS BEING CREEPY? DID YOU WANT HER TO CALL ME A SCREAM AT ME AFTER TWELVE AT NIGHT?!!! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!! --And so on and so forth--"
This didn't help my panic attack. I only wanted to see my mom... I was hearing noises in my own head, and it wouldn't be the first time.... Still, this went onwards for another 45 minutes before I talked to mom for the last time that night, and passed out with my dog beside me... I believe that this family breaks from me. Actually, it's my dad who takes everything WAY too seriously, and treats me like some sort of insane person.... I'm not insane.
I awoke this morning to find the air thick with awkwardness. My dad kept asking me if I was okay. Me, wanting to die. I'm going to Orlando tonight....
Today I shall go to the mall with my friends to get Bry-Bry's hair cut. Then we have photo shoot plans. I hope everything goes well, and my dad isn't an ass.
I can't WAIT to leave....
In Regards To Myself....
***Zan
Alright. Well, last night everything was fine. i went to bed after a lovely evening with my lovely friends. Things didn't get bad until after I settled down into my bed.
I kept thinking of my mom who's in Orlando with my sister right now for her cheerleading competition (Gag!)... I don't know what happened, but I started to cry. I was having trouble breathing, and felt extreme tightness in my chest. I thought I was going to die... So, I called my mom, and told her what was going on. I started to hear noises outside the room, and I thought it was my dad being an idiot and creeping around the house. It really freaked me out. I told her this, and she told me she's call him to see how he was.
So she did...
Suddenly, DISASTER struck as my father burst into the room, The Light Blinding Me, and tore the blankets from over my head.
"WHAT THE FUCK, ZAN?!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL MOM, AND TELL HER I WAS BEING CREEPY? DID YOU WANT HER TO CALL ME A SCREAM AT ME AFTER TWELVE AT NIGHT?!!! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!! --And so on and so forth--"
This didn't help my panic attack. I only wanted to see my mom... I was hearing noises in my own head, and it wouldn't be the first time.... Still, this went onwards for another 45 minutes before I talked to mom for the last time that night, and passed out with my dog beside me... I believe that this family breaks from me. Actually, it's my dad who takes everything WAY too seriously, and treats me like some sort of insane person.... I'm not insane.
I awoke this morning to find the air thick with awkwardness. My dad kept asking me if I was okay. Me, wanting to die. I'm going to Orlando tonight....
Today I shall go to the mall with my friends to get Bry-Bry's hair cut. Then we have photo shoot plans. I hope everything goes well, and my dad isn't an ass.
I can't WAIT to leave....
In Regards To Myself....
***Zan
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Story of Restraints...
Hi
There was once a girl named ***. She was a good, honest person with friends who could occasionally be enemies. Her life began happy, but spiraled downward quickly after she began to know of the cruelness of this reality. This girl traveled all over the land that she lived in, but everywhere was the same. As she grew older, her half wonderful, half atrocious family decided to finally settle in one place. The new home was magical, and full of all sorts of wonder, but the girl still had trouble with psuedo smiles and enemies that were a little too friendly. finally, when she came to a certain age, she met the most wonderful people you could imagine, and they still are with her to this day.
One morning, the girl woke up with a feeling of disaster in her future. She did her daily rountine that day, and arrived to find that her lovely new friends had caught the disease that made your mind into a programed piece of plastic. They became like everyone else around her in the dark world: a robot that cares of nothing but themselves. The girl was in awe as they slowly were consumed by the disease. They beat her down, and sewed her mouth shut, and she just let them do it because she loved them so much.
Two other girls that were friends of her sister seemingly treated her like royalty. On a night where the moon was completely eclipsed by the smoke-like clouds in the sky, they sent her flowers, telling her, "Oh, ***. Would you take these lovely flowers? For the stems are too long, and the colors not vibrant enough. We believe that, with your amazing talent, you can improve these flowers. When you are finished, we would like you to hang them on the great wall in the middle of everything, so everyone can see your lovely work, and sign our names with yours so people will love us from being with you."
The girl, who had been crushed over and over again, was surprised at their kind words, and gladly accepted the task.
The girl spent all night improving the plants. She trimmed the stems to a reasonable length, and she spiced up the vibrancy of the petals with her paints she created from her tears. The next day, she hanged her work on the great wall, as asked. Before she left, she signed everyone's names on the works to credit them for the flowers that they had grew.
The Learning Employer stumbled upon these flowers, and was outraged! For, the flowers had been grown in the workplace of learning in the presence of a learning employee, and without the employee's permission. He took pictures of the flowers, and since the names were written down, he went after those who had created them.
The two girls were taken from the workplace of learning for two days each as a punishment for the flowers that had foresaken the name of the employee. The two girls blamed everything on *** to keep themselves safe. The Learning Employer came down hard on *** because he had as much hate for her as everyone else had. He took her from her personal learning worplace as well, and kept her down. He accuse her of lies, and being a criminal. She only wanted to belong, and didn't understand what was wrong with her part in the flowers. she merely improved the plants, not grown them. There was no reason that she should've been punished for it.
She rested herself on her bed in sorrow... She closed her eyes from how much she had cried. The tears wouldn't stop though. She kept crying even when she ran out of tears, and her eyes began to bleed. Soon enough, the room had filled with tears of blood, and the girl drowned in her own despair....
The End...
In Regards To Myself....
***Zan
There was once a girl named ***. She was a good, honest person with friends who could occasionally be enemies. Her life began happy, but spiraled downward quickly after she began to know of the cruelness of this reality. This girl traveled all over the land that she lived in, but everywhere was the same. As she grew older, her half wonderful, half atrocious family decided to finally settle in one place. The new home was magical, and full of all sorts of wonder, but the girl still had trouble with psuedo smiles and enemies that were a little too friendly. finally, when she came to a certain age, she met the most wonderful people you could imagine, and they still are with her to this day.
One morning, the girl woke up with a feeling of disaster in her future. She did her daily rountine that day, and arrived to find that her lovely new friends had caught the disease that made your mind into a programed piece of plastic. They became like everyone else around her in the dark world: a robot that cares of nothing but themselves. The girl was in awe as they slowly were consumed by the disease. They beat her down, and sewed her mouth shut, and she just let them do it because she loved them so much.
Two other girls that were friends of her sister seemingly treated her like royalty. On a night where the moon was completely eclipsed by the smoke-like clouds in the sky, they sent her flowers, telling her, "Oh, ***. Would you take these lovely flowers? For the stems are too long, and the colors not vibrant enough. We believe that, with your amazing talent, you can improve these flowers. When you are finished, we would like you to hang them on the great wall in the middle of everything, so everyone can see your lovely work, and sign our names with yours so people will love us from being with you."
The girl, who had been crushed over and over again, was surprised at their kind words, and gladly accepted the task.
The girl spent all night improving the plants. She trimmed the stems to a reasonable length, and she spiced up the vibrancy of the petals with her paints she created from her tears. The next day, she hanged her work on the great wall, as asked. Before she left, she signed everyone's names on the works to credit them for the flowers that they had grew.
The Learning Employer stumbled upon these flowers, and was outraged! For, the flowers had been grown in the workplace of learning in the presence of a learning employee, and without the employee's permission. He took pictures of the flowers, and since the names were written down, he went after those who had created them.
The two girls were taken from the workplace of learning for two days each as a punishment for the flowers that had foresaken the name of the employee. The two girls blamed everything on *** to keep themselves safe. The Learning Employer came down hard on *** because he had as much hate for her as everyone else had. He took her from her personal learning worplace as well, and kept her down. He accuse her of lies, and being a criminal. She only wanted to belong, and didn't understand what was wrong with her part in the flowers. she merely improved the plants, not grown them. There was no reason that she should've been punished for it.
She rested herself on her bed in sorrow... She closed her eyes from how much she had cried. The tears wouldn't stop though. She kept crying even when she ran out of tears, and her eyes began to bleed. Soon enough, the room had filled with tears of blood, and the girl drowned in her own despair....
The End...
In Regards To Myself....
***Zan
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Prelude
Hi
That's how I always start my blogs. 'Hi'. I don't care if you get annoyed about how I always started this way. It's my style.
Anyway, that was not the first impression I wanted you to have of me. You probably all hate me for that.
So I'm Zan. I'm an artist, a writer, a poet, and a friend. My favorite color is blue with some black cause black is just kool. My favorite animals are wolves and ducks. My birth date is April 26th, 1993. Which means I'm 14, but I'll be 15 pretty damn soon. DON'T ASSUME THAT I'M AN IMMATURE TEENAGER BECAUSE OF MY AGE!! It's actually been SCIENTIFICALY PROVEN that I'm actually too mature for my age. I've got the mind and logic of a 19 year-old, but all of the emotions and sensitivity of a teenager. Sounds fun, right?
My Mind:
I tell you about my mind. It's a confusing place. I've got schitzophrenia (but don't tell), and a bunch of dead people living in my head. :D There are eight dead people: Craig, Jan, Shadow (Kayla), Trevor, Sunny, Zuun, Serene, Otui. My second personality's name is Naz (original, huh?), and the only reason she's here is to get revenge for me. ^__^ I don't want her to because revenge for her means merciless killing. :DDD I have another personality who's name is Exx, but she never comes out because she doesn't believe in forceful take over. I bet this is all really confusing for you to follow this because I can barely follow this myself. I just want you to know that I'm not crazy, but lost in this sick reality we call the present. I only want to belong.
My Mind For The LOST:
The reason I wanted to start this blog was because... I don't know, actually. o__O My friend Peyton was talking about how she went to this site and got a blog, so I wanted to get one too, I guess? Plus, I've been really depressed lately, and have no one to talk to except for my separate personalities, which I hate. ><
My Mind For The LONELY:
I was hoping that people could read this, and not make fun of me. Also I was hoping they'l be able to relate to me somehow. I wanna make friends here.... I need more friends these days. ~I Only Want To Belong~
I love you!
In Regards to Myself....
***Zan
That's how I always start my blogs. 'Hi'. I don't care if you get annoyed about how I always started this way. It's my style.
Anyway, that was not the first impression I wanted you to have of me. You probably all hate me for that.
So I'm Zan. I'm an artist, a writer, a poet, and a friend. My favorite color is blue with some black cause black is just kool. My favorite animals are wolves and ducks. My birth date is April 26th, 1993. Which means I'm 14, but I'll be 15 pretty damn soon. DON'T ASSUME THAT I'M AN IMMATURE TEENAGER BECAUSE OF MY AGE!! It's actually been SCIENTIFICALY PROVEN that I'm actually too mature for my age. I've got the mind and logic of a 19 year-old, but all of the emotions and sensitivity of a teenager. Sounds fun, right?
My Mind:
I tell you about my mind. It's a confusing place. I've got schitzophrenia (but don't tell), and a bunch of dead people living in my head. :D There are eight dead people: Craig, Jan, Shadow (Kayla), Trevor, Sunny, Zuun, Serene, Otui. My second personality's name is Naz (original, huh?), and the only reason she's here is to get revenge for me. ^__^ I don't want her to because revenge for her means merciless killing. :DDD I have another personality who's name is Exx, but she never comes out because she doesn't believe in forceful take over. I bet this is all really confusing for you to follow this because I can barely follow this myself. I just want you to know that I'm not crazy, but lost in this sick reality we call the present. I only want to belong.
My Mind For The LOST:
The reason I wanted to start this blog was because... I don't know, actually. o__O My friend Peyton was talking about how she went to this site and got a blog, so I wanted to get one too, I guess? Plus, I've been really depressed lately, and have no one to talk to except for my separate personalities, which I hate. ><
My Mind For The LONELY:
I was hoping that people could read this, and not make fun of me. Also I was hoping they'l be able to relate to me somehow. I wanna make friends here.... I need more friends these days. ~I Only Want To Belong~
I love you!
In Regards to Myself....
***Zan
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