o_____O

Hi

YAY!! BOYFRIEND!!!

It's been great. REALLY great. We've been getting closer and closer everytime we see each other. Last time I saw him was last night. We had a lot of fun just hanging out. :]]] We talk on gaiaonline almost every day. For those of you who don't know what that is, here:

www.gaiaonline.com

There you go. Fun for you, I guess. I'm not really into gaia a whole lot, but it allows me to communicate with Dan when his phone isn't charged.

Damn, I miss him. o___O;; I hope I'm not annoying. I hate it when I feel annoying. Oh, well. It's just one of my mood swings.

My dad is an asshole for stalking me constantly. ARGH. I hate him. If he was gone, my life would be perfect. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend. Not to mention the fact that Dan's gonna be 18 in a few weeks, soooo. Yeah. Let's hope he doesn't find out.
The other day I told my dad that I didn't love him. I know that's mean, but I'm a very truthful person, and it was getting very hard for me to lie to him. *FAILS* Well, I felt a little better after that, but now he's up in my face more than ever. How do I let him know to just FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE. Jesus... Seriously, maybe if he left me alone for a little while, I'd actually MISS him. God Forbid.

April is a bitch. A BIG FUCKINNNNN' BITCH. Especially with the whole Ben ordeal.

Bryan found out me and Dan are going out. o___O;; That was awkward...

I've decided to stick up for myself this summer. I'm tired of being stepped on and used all the time. FUCK FAKE FRIENDS-FUCK USERS-FUCK HATERS-AND FUCK HANNAH MONTANA!
i don't look like her... -__-

That's all I have to say.

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Neo...

Hi

Well, there's the title. "Neo" meaning New. New everything. New hobbies, New Boyfriend, New Outlook on life. Well, sorta.

I don't wanna die anymore. I thought that was a little weird, but yeah. It's probably better. I mean, I've been not caring about if I die since I was ten years old. Now, I suddenly care if I die, or not. I mean, I'd be content with dying right now if I got to see Dan beforehand, but I'd prefer not to die.

You can probably tell. Dan said yes. ^__^ Do you know how happy that made me? VERY. hahahaha. We're going out now. He went on vacation last week, but he'll be back tomorrow. I can't wait to see him.

I'm taking drum lessons. It's pretty fun, and I'm really good.

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Everything Is REAL...

Hi

Exactly. Everything is REAL.

I asked Dan out, and he said yes. I'm having fun. haha

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

6/3/08

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll...........

Hi

Kay, so....

It's been horrible since I last posted.
I had Jake, but he turned around and stabbed me in the back.

yeah, what else is new?

Also, one of the only REAL friends I have left is getting farther away from me because she is about to violate girl-friend rule #1: DATING YOUR GIRL-FRIEND'S EX.
HEY!! THAT'S NOT KOOL!!!!!
1.) Because he's a huge asshole
2.) He's ignorant
3.) He destroys everyone he dates
4.) He's promiscuous
5.) I'm still not over him, exactly.... :/

Even AFTER telling her these reasons and more, she STILL isn't listening to me, and i'm worried. I guess I know who my real friends are.

THE GUYSSSS!!!!
Yes, I hang out with almost all guys now. I think that's kool because they actually talk to me, and they're just really fun to be with. XDD
And, I really like one of them. His name is Dan... : 333
I think I'll try asking him out tomorrow, but I'm SO SCARED. o___o;;;
Even though it's pretty obvious that he likes me back, I'm just really paranoid that he doesn't, and when I tell him my feelings that he'll act really awkwardly, and won't wanna be friends with me anymore..... ><;;;;;;;;;

I hope that doesn't happen... Oh, PLEASE don't let that happen...
If that happens, I'll be completely alone.... o_____O;;;

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Enveloped In Blue And Yellow Love...

Hi

Soooooo...

I haven't gotten around to being here in awhile, and i apologize. Even though no one reads this stuff, I still feel pretty bad... /._.\

But things have happened since I left.

Like, my parents tricked me into going to see a psychologist.

I'll Elaborate:

So, about two weeks ago (april 25th), my mom said that she set up an appointment for me to see a doctor that will give me sleep medication. I'd fucking KILL FOR SLEEP MEDICATION. So I went willingly. What I didn't know is that she was actually taking me to see a psychologist. My dad was there too, and we all had this deep conversation on what's going on with my head. We didn't talk about sleep at all. After my parents left, I had a private talk with the psychologist (Sharon). I told her that I was here for sleep meds. She told me that she was not qualified to prescribe meds, and that I had been duped. WOW, I was pissed....

Like, my birthday.

I'll Elaborate:

I had a really kool party. I got awesome presents. XD My friend David got my SO much candy!!! Only two of my guy friends came, though. >< I still had lots of fun with my girlfriends too. Bryan was all over me with his hands down my pants. It was disgusting. I just wanted to die... I got in touch with my old friend, Chris White, too. That was pretty nice. haha. I'm 15 for real now, by the way.

Like, Jake Walter...

I'll Elaborate:

I met Jake on New Year's Eve. First new friend of the year. I had gotten ditched by my friends that night, so I got on the computer, and went into the facebook group, 'emo', and I wrote on the wall that I was lonely, and looking for friends. Jake replied to me shortly after, and we were friends. We talked all that week, and soon we were best friends (He thought I was a guy at first, but he found out I'm a chick later. haha). About a month ago, He started to tell me that really really liked me, and stuff. Then he said he loves me. I love him too.... Except one problem, he lives in Canada. I live in Florida. ><

That's all that's been going on right now.

I'll get back to you later. XDD

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Drifting Into The Abstract...

Hi

I realized how much i love Nine Inch Nails. o___O I know I'm a little late accounting on how all of their hit stuf was hott like, two years ago. Like I care though. haha
My fashion sense was always questionable. XDDD

My old best friend just apologized to me.... He broke up with his overly-controlling girlfriend. o__O I'll re-live this moment over and over. XDD

XDDD

NO ONE READS MY FUCKING BLOG.

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

ZOMFG... ARMOR FOR SLEEP!!! Part 2

Hi

MY. FIRST. CONCERT. WAS. AWESOME.

XD

So, we drove over to the House Of Blues in Orlando with everyone in the back of my dad's "Clown Car" (Gawd, that was such a tight squeeze... ><>
Anyways, when we got there, we were walking toward the House Of Blues and we were doing the macarena all the way there for some reason. o___O no one knows why..... XDD [I used my parents camera to take videos, so I'll be putting them together this weekend, and it will be edited and on youtube. :DD I'll put the link up here, even though no one EVER reads my blog. So whatever.]

We walked in there all kool-like, and the first thing Sydney said was, "BATHROOM." She just started walking, and we didn't know where the fuck she was going. I don't think she did, either. haha. She ended up having to ask for directions, and it turns out the bathrooms were right next to the entrance which was on the opposite side of the building. haha. The Irony!!

After that shananagan, we sat at a table (Not even bothering to take a spot on the actual floor), and we scouted for hott guys because that's usually what we do first anyway. XD We saw a few, but one really caught our eye. He was really tall, and had sexy hair. We were all like, *__*. We then took our spot on the floor, and he kept moving closer to our party, but yeah... o___O He stood right next to me within five minutes. His not-as-good-looking friend was scamming on a bunch of chicks, and actually winning which I thought was kinda weird because, ew.

The first band, Lydia, went up, and they were pretty good. I liked their strange dance moves... o___O haha.... When that ended and there was a quick break, Peyton was complaining about how cold her hands were, so Sydney rubbed her hands for her, but after a bit, it was really awkward, so they stopped. She was still cold. Then Tree-Boy's (That's what we called hott, sexy guy XD) friend comes up behind her, and turned her around and started rubbing her hands for her. She was like o___O;;. That's when I really got to talk to Tree-Boy, who's name is actually Evan. [His friend was named Diego Sanchez, btw] :DD We were having good conversation, and then the next band came up.

It was Metro Station. (I found out that night that the lead singer is Miley Cyrus's brother. o___O I thought that was funny. :]) The base guitarist was really hott, but you could tell that he was so full of himself. Hahaha.

After that, there was another break in which I got Evan's screename on AIM. I'm devious. Anyway, the next band that went up was Set Your Goals. They were really kool, and Punk Rock, and Hardcore. People were moshing, and I was the one that got beat up the most in my group of friends. I almost switched personalities, but I didn't let it happen. I got punched in the face twice, elbowed in the back of the head, knocked over, had boobs up against me (EW), and got stomped on. I was pretty much over it, but then this girl with fucking sharp nails start climbing and crawling over the crowd. That bitch kicked me in the side of the head! Then, she knocked over this one guys girlfriend who was younger, and she cried! I was like, "Oh, no you DIDN'T!" So, I climbed up the bitch with the nails, and punched her right in the face! XDDD Bad. Ass. She tried to punch me back, but Sydney got to her first. haha.

The best this about that mosh was the fact that a lot of people got pushed forward closer to the stage, so I was really close to the front. Then, people started to leave, so I WAS RIGHT UP IN THE FRONT WHEN ARMOR FOR SLEEP CAME UP NEXT!!!! I FLIPPED out when they came on! They were SO amazing!! I screamed, "I LOVE YOU!!" And Ben Jorgenson was like, "Thank you." :DDD The first song they played was 'Smile for The Camera' from their newest CD. After that, they realized that their amp was broken. Ben Jorgenson said, "How the fuck are you, tonight!!... We have a great show for you tonight!... *looks over to PJ with the amp* If our shit works. o__O;;" That was funny.

Except the amp remained broken, so Ben had to give up his guitar to PJ, so he could play. They played 'The Truth About Heaven' next, then 'Hold The Door', and 'Chemicals'. The amp was still broken, and they were having trouble playing, so Ben asked, "Does anyone have an amp we could borrow, like, in their car or something? If you do, tell me, and I'll give you a pass to get back in here so you can go get it." Then this girl yells back, "Oh, I do! I do!!" So he threw her the pass, and he said, "My keys are on there, so I'm gonna need that back after the show..." She didn't even move!! She didn't have an amp! She just wanted to steal from the band! That was a really bitchy thing to do.... I mean, I'M a HUGE fan, but i would NEVER do something like that! Seriously!!

When no one came back with an amp, they were in real trouble. They couldn't continue. Ben asked the crowd, "Is everyone REALLY excited to see Saves The Day?", and these two ggirls in the back were like, "SAVES THE DAY!! OMG!! SAVES THE DAY!!" So Ben replied, "Well, I guess we'll just leave then because everyone wants to see Saves The Day more, anyway, so after this last song, we'll go." I. Fucking. Cried. I screamed "No! I came here to see you!!", but it didn't work... They played 'Car Underwater', and then they left... It was really sad, but I'm just glad I got to see them, and be near them...

Craig was there with me the whole time... I felt like he was right behind me... We were there together, I just KNOW it...

I bought a SHITLOAD of Armor For Sleep merchandise. haha. [A pillow-case, a T-Shirt, 4 pins, and a signed poster] It was an AMAZING experience. A lovely first concert... I just wish it could've gone on longer... /;_;\

The headliner, Saves The Day, came on afterwards. When their first song ended, we left.

It's funny, I'll be back at the House Of Blues next Thursday to see Panic! At The Disco. Too bad my gay friend from Pennsylvania can't come.... /.__.\

Remember, I'll post videos of my experiences later on.

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

ZOMFG... ARMOR FOR SLEEP!!!

Hi

I'M GOING TO AN ARMOR FOR SLEEP CONCERT TOMORROW!! They're my FAVORITE band!! :DDD I'm SO excited! This will be my first concert! I can't believe my first concert is Armor for Sleep!! I never thought it would happen!!

For all of you who don't know who Armor For Sleep is, they are a band created in Teaneck, New Jersey in 2002. Their genre of music is emo/post-harcore. They have made three CDs so far. The lead singer/guitarist/songwriter is Ben Jorgenson, the bass player/songwriter is Anthony DiIonno, the other guitarist is P.J DeCicco, and the drumer is Nash Breen.

Their Three CDs (in chronological Order):

1.)A Dream To Make-Believe (2003)

2.)What To Do When You Are Dead (2005)

3.)Smile for Them (2007)

http://www.armorforsleep.com

I'm ZanDarkandLonelyDoom

I'm going with Sydney, MaryLynn, and Peyton. Bryan was supposed to come in MaryLynn's place, but he couldn't, so I gave the ticket to MaryLynn, which I'm kinda glad I did. XDDD

I'm going to a Panic! At The Disco concert next weeks on the 24th. I don't like then a WHOLE lot, but I'm only going because Ben is going. XD He's my gay friend who's just like my big brother. He kept the group together, and we were all really close (we still are sorta), but then he had to go and move to Pennsylvania. Which sucks... ><

This concert is gonna be amazing. XD I hope my parents let me bring their camera or else I might destroy the world. >__O

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Confusion To No End...

Hi

So, yeah, I'm completely confused.

Never thought this would happen. o___O

Guys Who Have Asked Me Out So Far That I Maybe Might Like (GWHAMOSFTIMML):

1. Bryan
2. Ray
3. David
4. Other Brian
5. Hott Coffee Guy Named Ben
6. But NOT Dan... ><

It seems that everyone but the guy that I'm sure I like has asked me out. Only time will tell, I suppose.... o____0

It doesn't make me any less confused though.....

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Locked Inside A Shard...

Hi

I know i haven't been on in three days. I bet that last post got you (The non-existant people who read this)really scared and worried.

No, I didn't kill myself.

...Yet...

SERIOUSLY. SO much stuff had happened in such a small time slot. (Yes, I'm talking about the three days I haven't been on here... ><)

Horror #1: I'm having another schitzo-wave. (That's what I call it.) It's a point in time that my schitzophrenia is heightened. I hear things more. I interact with the ghosts inside the deepest depths of my mind. I don't usually se them so often, but during a schitzo-wave, I do. I'm seeing ghosts everywhere. Something simple can break me down. Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm saying.... This hasn't happened since the end of last summer, so It's hard to remember how I coped.

Horror #2: When I was 11, I started having dreams about my family... My family being ripped apart... Well, guess what? The forces decided to kick me while I'm down... EVERYTHING I DREAMT ABOUT WAS TRUE. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. My dad is moving out... I know that doesn't sound bad because I hate my dad, but it's SO much more complicated than you can imagine. I'm gonna have to go over there to spend quality time with my dad or else he's gonna go crazy on my mom... I'm suffering with choices... It's making me confused.

Horror #3: Fuckin' Bryan asked me out, and I really don't like him, but I thought he was joking, and I said yes. ><>

Horror #4: All of my friends are insensitive bitches who treat me like shit when people of importance or authority aren't around... ><

Horror #5: High School Musical 3 is coming out soon. JESUS CHRIST! CAN DISNEY CHANNEL SINK ANY LOWER? IT THOUGH HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 WAS BAD, BUT THIS IS INSANE!!! WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST LEFT IT AS A ONE MOVIE DEAL? THEY'RE RUINING IT!! I'M REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF SEEING THE CHEAP, SHITTY MERCHANIDISE THEY SELL FOR A MEDIOCRE MOVIE!! JUST LOOK AT THE ACTORS! THEY'RE UNMOVTIVATED! YOU CAN TELL THAT THEY WANNA GO HOME, AND WATCH SOMETHING! I SWEAR! THIS IS JUST THE HARRY POTTER DEAL! STOP RUINING PEOPLES' LIVES, DISNEY!!!

Now that I've got THAT out of my system

THANK YOU, AND GOODNIGHT!!

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

I Am VERY Unhappy...

Hi

It's so weird... For some reason, tonight seems like a beautiful night for suicide...

I know I won't do it, though. It's just my desire to end the chaos inside my own head. There's SO much in there.... There's ghosts. There's Voices. There's people. There's a whole other Me. I feel like there's someone behind me right now, but when I look, they've already gone. I know she's up to her tricks again... I'll probably end up having an attack tonight because this is just like how I felt last saturday. They'll send me to therapy if they find out...

I don't WANNA go there!!!

It's BAD there!!

You know, I used to love the things that I heard in my head...
But now, I'm only plagued by whatever force that is causing these things....
I kinda wanna paint my walls with blood, but I can't. o___O

Aren't I SO special? :DDD
I KNOW you'll agree....

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

P-Shaaw!

Hi

I got a new laptop computer that's SO hardcore!!!!
I have named her Claire. :DDDD

I'm SO freakin' bored. No one will talk to me on AIM because I've got so much energy, and nowhere to put it. Meaning: I freak people out.

I'm actually sitting here typing this with Armor For Sleep pumping into my brain very loudly by request of my parents because they're having a private talk, like, right next to me about Gawd(Sydney) knows what. It's raining really hard, and I wanna be self-destructive, and run outside (I'm scared of water), but my parental units won't let me due to the fact that apparently, there's lightning outside. ><>

The Phone Is Ringing...

Who is it?

It's my Aunt Shell.
Whatever.

I've been trying to think of something to draw in my sketch book. I probably should finish inking my Schitzophrenic Panic picture first, though. I get off track sometimes.... The picture itself is great. It's got great perspective, but it's not my best. I was just trying to see if I had any perspective-angle skills, and I obviously do. o__O

Yesterday, I tried putting music on here, but failed miserably. It's fine though. I just didn't do it right. XDD I'll figure it out soon.

I'm going to go and talk to my wall now. He keeps asking me to have a chat with him these days, and I can't just ignore him. Last time we had a lovely conversation on what Clocks mean to us and why. It was increasingly interesting.

A Clock is Life's Despair. It's Death's essence. Clocks have an obvious relation to time, but they are not time itself. They are the faces of time, and that's why they have faces. If you could look behind a Clock fast enough, you'd catch a glimpse of time; Therefore, seeing the meaning of Life. People are always talking about the meaning of life. No one talks about the meaning of Death. I think this is why Death exists, and is shunned. If everyone was in-love with Death, then Death wouldn't be looked upon as such a bad thing. Death wouldn't exist. If Death doesn't exist, there would be no meaning of life.

I hate learning about the universe in class because it makes me feel even more insignificant then I already do. My life, My Existence means nothing. It doesn't affect the universe in any way. Nothing I could ever accomplish would affect the cosmos at all. There's nothing I could live for that's even bigger than the universe. I am insignificant.

Thank You, and Goodnight!!! :DD

In Regards to Myself....

***Zan

Donnie... Darko?...

Hi

Well, twas an interesting day today.

It's the beginning of my Spring Break *Sarcastic Smile*. Oh, yeah. It'll be amazing. I'm sure...

Anyway, about my interesting day. I'm in Drama I at my school, and my teacher was generous enough to allow all of his students to sign up to see the play "Noises Off". Which means, I got to legally skip my first three classes that day. The play, itself, was FABULOUS. If anyone has actually seen the performance "Noises Off", then they'll know how amazingly funny it was. I liked Act 2 the best. XDD It was a very ingenious performance, and it made me smile. :DDD How rare.

I got quite a bit of positive thinking from that. I decided I wanted to skip 4th period with my friends, Sydney and Peyton. And This is what happened:

I asked them, "Oh, hey guys, are you gonna skip 4th? I am."
They replied, "Oh, yes! Of course! We're just going to head over to our lockers to drop some stuff off. We'll be right back."
With a smile, I told them that I'll make sure to svae a good table for them. There was an exchange of waves, and they were off.
It was only the beginning of 1st lunch (I've got 3rd lunch, but that's not relevant right now.), and I had saved a lovely table for the three of us. I got yelled at a lot by other kids. o__O I told them, "Hey, just sit down with me. I'm not going to eat you, or anything." Yet, the yelling continues. /-_-\;;

I don't know how long I waited there... I got fed up with all the shunning, so I left to go hunt for my two friends. Someone I know told me that they were in the library, so I went there. There was no one. I checked over by where their lockers are. Still no one.

YES, I GOT DITCHED.

SERIOUSLY. Is there something WRONG with me? I was really hurt, and I went to class, hiding behind the excuse that I was confused, and didn't know what time it was. I wasn't counted absent because it worked. XDD I passed notes with my good friend, MaryLynn, and told all about what happened. She said that I should tell them my true feelings when we go to lunch.

3rd Lunch came around, and I totally went OFF on them. The funny thing was, they DIDN'T CARE. They just SHRUGGED ME OFF and ACTED LIKE I WASN'T EVEN THERE. THAT'S what pissed me off the most... -___- I was SO mad all day...

When I got howm, I took a shower because I had my hair up in these adorable pig-tails which make me look like a little anime girl, and they started to give me a headache. I blow-dried my hair, ate some ice cream I spontaneously found in the freezer, then passed out on the couch.

It. Was. Awesome.

After that, I get this call. It's from Sydney. ><

Everyone wants to hang out tomorrow, but I bet you a million dollars that they'll screw me over again. XDD (Last weekend, Peyton, Sydney, Me, and April made this stop-motion movie, and I edited most of it, but we still have to do they audio, and they said that they'd help me out with it. They said they'd help me out with editing too, but do you see how that turned out? [I stayed up until 1:30 AM editing it for them, while they hanged out in my room.-__-])

Yep. This Spring Break will be amazing. I hope people call me tonight because I probably won't sleep again. ><

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

A Mind For The Lost And Lonely

Hi

I Crave Relation
For This Situation
Life's never hit me so hard before
Images of you slamming your front door

~*~Now I finally see
A Mind For The Lost And Lonely
Spread Out Before Me
And if you Forget this
Something that you Miss
All That You Say
Please Just Stay With Me

I was Wrong when I said I was Alone
All those times I Cried on the phone
These stitches so Tightly Sewn
Are Ripped Apart by Shards of Bone

~*~Now I finally see
A Mind For The Lost And Lonely
Spread Out Before Me
And if you Forget this
Something that you Miss
All That You Say
Please Just Stay With Me

Please Just Stay With Me (x3)

We can't help seeing Ghosts
I've seen Phantoms Swim
In Your Eyes...
I knew I Should've Made The Most
Spectors Crawl through Thornbush Limbs
And I'll give you my Faithful Goodbyes...

I've got Dreams in my Veins
Restraints kept making me Insane
I'm Bleeding all the Pain out now
I Hope, In Your Heart, I'll Remain...

~*~Now I finally see
A Mind For The Lost And Lonely
Spread Out Before Me
And if you Forget this
Something that you Miss
All That You Say
Please Just Stay With Me

Please Just Stay With Me....

***Zan

You know what? F*** Sundays.

Hi

It seems that no one is reading my posts, which makes me sad. I don't even know why I try these days.

I'm having trouble remembering why I'm required to live anymore. I don't think I'll take any drastic actions to solve it, though. I mean look at me. I'm barely fifteen, and April's going to be a busy month for me. I hope the issues inside my own head are straightened out by then...

JEEZ I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

Not my dad. He can just go jump off a building. I'm tired of him. He always asks me why "I don't wanna talk to him" and why "I like talking to mom better". Well,, here's the reason: My mom actually tries to help me, and only talk about how MY problems can be solved. She doesn't just try to relate (by lying about the past), then start rambling on about how atrocious and tragic and horrible HER life has been, and then ask me how I feel she should fix her life. Seriously, All that man talks about is HIMSELF. He's got NO sympathy or feelings for others, NO sensitivity, and ALWAYS manages to change the subject to make the conversation about HIM.

Now how can you talk to a person like that?

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

An Attack Made Of Panic?? What Is This World Coming To?!

Hi

Alright. Well, last night everything was fine. i went to bed after a lovely evening with my lovely friends. Things didn't get bad until after I settled down into my bed.
I kept thinking of my mom who's in Orlando with my sister right now for her cheerleading competition (Gag!)... I don't know what happened, but I started to cry. I was having trouble breathing, and felt extreme tightness in my chest. I thought I was going to die... So, I called my mom, and told her what was going on. I started to hear noises outside the room, and I thought it was my dad being an idiot and creeping around the house. It really freaked me out. I told her this, and she told me she's call him to see how he was.

So she did...

Suddenly, DISASTER struck as my father burst into the room, The Light Blinding Me, and tore the blankets from over my head.
"WHAT THE FUCK, ZAN?!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CALL MOM, AND TELL HER I WAS BEING CREEPY? DID YOU WANT HER TO CALL ME A SCREAM AT ME AFTER TWELVE AT NIGHT?!!! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!! --And so on and so forth--"

This didn't help my panic attack. I only wanted to see my mom... I was hearing noises in my own head, and it wouldn't be the first time.... Still, this went onwards for another 45 minutes before I talked to mom for the last time that night, and passed out with my dog beside me... I believe that this family breaks from me. Actually, it's my dad who takes everything WAY too seriously, and treats me like some sort of insane person.... I'm not insane.

I awoke this morning to find the air thick with awkwardness. My dad kept asking me if I was okay. Me, wanting to die. I'm going to Orlando tonight....

Today I shall go to the mall with my friends to get Bry-Bry's hair cut. Then we have photo shoot plans. I hope everything goes well, and my dad isn't an ass.

I can't WAIT to leave....

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Story of Restraints...

Hi

There was once a girl named ***. She was a good, honest person with friends who could occasionally be enemies. Her life began happy, but spiraled downward quickly after she began to know of the cruelness of this reality. This girl traveled all over the land that she lived in, but everywhere was the same. As she grew older, her half wonderful, half atrocious family decided to finally settle in one place. The new home was magical, and full of all sorts of wonder, but the girl still had trouble with psuedo smiles and enemies that were a little too friendly. finally, when she came to a certain age, she met the most wonderful people you could imagine, and they still are with her to this day.
One morning, the girl woke up with a feeling of disaster in her future. She did her daily rountine that day, and arrived to find that her lovely new friends had caught the disease that made your mind into a programed piece of plastic. They became like everyone else around her in the dark world: a robot that cares of nothing but themselves. The girl was in awe as they slowly were consumed by the disease. They beat her down, and sewed her mouth shut, and she just let them do it because she loved them so much.
Two other girls that were friends of her sister seemingly treated her like royalty. On a night where the moon was completely eclipsed by the smoke-like clouds in the sky, they sent her flowers, telling her, "Oh, ***. Would you take these lovely flowers? For the stems are too long, and the colors not vibrant enough. We believe that, with your amazing talent, you can improve these flowers. When you are finished, we would like you to hang them on the great wall in the middle of everything, so everyone can see your lovely work, and sign our names with yours so people will love us from being with you."
The girl, who had been crushed over and over again, was surprised at their kind words, and gladly accepted the task.
The girl spent all night improving the plants. She trimmed the stems to a reasonable length, and she spiced up the vibrancy of the petals with her paints she created from her tears. The next day, she hanged her work on the great wall, as asked. Before she left, she signed everyone's names on the works to credit them for the flowers that they had grew.
The Learning Employer stumbled upon these flowers, and was outraged! For, the flowers had been grown in the workplace of learning in the presence of a learning employee, and without the employee's permission. He took pictures of the flowers, and since the names were written down, he went after those who had created them.
The two girls were taken from the workplace of learning for two days each as a punishment for the flowers that had foresaken the name of the employee. The two girls blamed everything on *** to keep themselves safe. The Learning Employer came down hard on *** because he had as much hate for her as everyone else had. He took her from her personal learning worplace as well, and kept her down. He accuse her of lies, and being a criminal. She only wanted to belong, and didn't understand what was wrong with her part in the flowers. she merely improved the plants, not grown them. There was no reason that she should've been punished for it.
She rested herself on her bed in sorrow... She closed her eyes from how much she had cried. The tears wouldn't stop though. She kept crying even when she ran out of tears, and her eyes began to bleed. Soon enough, the room had filled with tears of blood, and the girl drowned in her own despair....

The End...

In Regards To Myself....

***Zan

Prelude

Hi

That's how I always start my blogs. 'Hi'. I don't care if you get annoyed about how I always started this way. It's my style.

Anyway, that was not the first impression I wanted you to have of me. You probably all hate me for that.

So I'm Zan. I'm an artist, a writer, a poet, and a friend. My favorite color is blue with some black cause black is just kool. My favorite animals are wolves and ducks. My birth date is April 26th, 1993. Which means I'm 14, but I'll be 15 pretty damn soon. DON'T ASSUME THAT I'M AN IMMATURE TEENAGER BECAUSE OF MY AGE!! It's actually been SCIENTIFICALY PROVEN that I'm actually too mature for my age. I've got the mind and logic of a 19 year-old, but all of the emotions and sensitivity of a teenager. Sounds fun, right?

My Mind:
I tell you about my mind. It's a confusing place. I've got schitzophrenia (but don't tell), and a bunch of dead people living in my head. :D There are eight dead people: Craig, Jan, Shadow (Kayla), Trevor, Sunny, Zuun, Serene, Otui. My second personality's name is Naz (original, huh?), and the only reason she's here is to get revenge for me. ^__^ I don't want her to because revenge for her means merciless killing. :DDD I have another personality who's name is Exx, but she never comes out because she doesn't believe in forceful take over. I bet this is all really confusing for you to follow this because I can barely follow this myself. I just want you to know that I'm not crazy, but lost in this sick reality we call the present. I only want to belong.

My Mind For The LOST:
The reason I wanted to start this blog was because... I don't know, actually. o__O My friend Peyton was talking about how she went to this site and got a blog, so I wanted to get one too, I guess? Plus, I've been really depressed lately, and have no one to talk to except for my separate personalities, which I hate. ><

My Mind For The LONELY:
I was hoping that people could read this, and not make fun of me. Also I was hoping they'l be able to relate to me somehow. I wanna make friends here.... I need more friends these days. ~I Only Want To Belong~

I love you!
In Regards to Myself....

***Zan